Everything in my life continues to hang on a balance, as far as plans for my future.

Today is December 9, 2007. A month from today, I'm sure I'll be handling loan and financial aid decisions for some school.

I'm not doing so hot in that math class, I don't think I really got the opportunity to let myself shine with the course, but I got a couple of chances to fix it. I hope I find the strengh to focus and stay in so i get that C+.

I wish I could have gotten all my results in sooner. It's insane how everything is meant to unravel all at once. I hope I don't get a tiny envelope from NYU on my birthday saying that I'm rejected or worse-- waitlisted. And I will explain: a waitlist is when I have to continue to keep everything on hold so I can begin the program, and can potentially screw up with my real plans with CNR and play tricks with my mind. I'm more afraid of that than a rejection note.

I don't want to be rejected or waitlisted. I just wanna get accepted, a giant envelope with a welcome note inside. I've wretched my guts out over it the past two years to hear a glimmer of good news. I hope it comes in that package. I keep praying that it will happen. The prayers slightly diffuse the weight I feel on my chest.

And if I get rejected? Well, the focus will fall onto CNR.. I am scared.

So today I went on a job interview with Senior Care Ambulance. Corps. I met with two people: one to give me more tests, and the other to talk about the job to me. The first guy gave me a scenario test of stuff I should know as an EMT, then a drug test. The drug test was weird, he didn't want me to flush the toilet even though I peed in the mini container for him. Gross. The second guy was really smiley and nice. He kind of offset the first guys stiffness and the fact that I hadda take a drug test in general. So, I got the job, but won't be able to do orientation for at least another month. And it kind of sucks that I have to wait and see when it is, because it can conflict with my plans with Sean.

I'm a little nervous about how well I do on this math course I am taking. Hopefully I will be able to get my grade up. oy.

I made a list of post-it's on my dashboard of all the things I set out to accomplish this year. Whether they seem menial or tremendous, it was all a step toward a direction somewhere, which I will list:

- Bought myself a laptop, digital camera, supplies, Chanel perfume, visited Niagara  Falls/Canada with Sean, visited Orient Point 
- Took care of my health (got insurance, got general, dental, ENT and gyno checkups)
- Became a certified EMT
- Got accepted to a nursing school
- Rescued a kitten and took care of him
- Took Tulla to the vet (FINALLY)
- Completed prereq's & Improved my GPA
- Broke out of my cage and drove to LI to see Sean

I got a few good relaxing experiences like Niagara Falls, in Canada where Sean and I stayed at the Hilton Falls View (which costed a pretty penny, let me tell you). But we did see the falls from our room for one night, we did have whirpool in our room, and there was a giant indoor pool and slide downstairs. So even though I spent a ridiculous amount of money, I had a good time.

I also went to the beach with Sean and some friends (Robert Moses/Jones' Beach-- 4th of July) as well. We had our own fun. We also went upstate during Sean's last weekend down within the tri-state area before having to return to RIT. Even though things didn't turn out the way we had expected, I had some good old fun drunken nights there.

I improved my Bio Score by half a letter grade during the summer, and completed Developmental Psychology online with a B. As soon as I was finished with my summer classes, I prepared my NYU and CNR applications immediately, with a killer awesome essay. Evidentally, CNR accepted me in November. I'm still waiting on NYU, but if the awesomeness of my essay doesn't win them over, then they don't know good nursing candides and don't deserve me.

As far as freedom is concerned, I've enjoyed more of it this year than all the previous years. I've taken the car to LI to see Sean and became happier and more confident with myself, like I did in the past. I also rekindled enjoyment in the radio (albeit same crappy songs), on K-rock, KTU and Z100-- which I enjoy listening to when some songs are not being overplayed. But better than no excuse to listen to radio at all.

As unlikely as I would have thought, I made very good friends out of my coworkers at Financial Aid. I feel like we are all part of a family. Dominic and Jeff are definately some of my favorite people there, and I am going to miss everyone when I leave (which will be soon). I almost hate to go. Who will I shoot rubber bands at? Or steal rulers from? Or sprinkle paper confetti on? =( But at least I made some very good friends.

So this year, I gained: friends, freedom, experience, knowledge, higher GPA, few material items and strength.

Overall, I'd say I'm in a better place in my life than I have ever been. I'll surely admit that.

I had to  update this thing tonight. For the principal of writing GOOD news when it happens, and not just the bad things in life.

I got accepted into a nursing program! College of New Rochelle called me and informed me that they reviewed their error and that I am accepted into the nursing program! The counselor and I set up a day next week to make up a schedule for classes in Spring.

Sean was so happy for me when I told him, I think he may have even been happier than I was about it. It is such a relief to know that I did NOT get rejected into a nursing program, FINALLY! All I gotta do is get a decent grade in the math class I'm taking now and I'll be fine.

Also, that bill from the ENT was cleared up between my insurance company and his office-- which means I am off the hook, Thankfully.

So basically, I'm just glad and grateful and happy things are starting to look better, than they did.

It's saturday morning and I am writing in this. Some pretty crazy events have occurred within the past 24 hours.

For one, Beatriz, my supervisor-- found out yesterday afternoon that her son was killed. The office shut down early. All we know is that he was hit by a train at the Mammaroneck train stop earlier in that morning. She could not identify his remains because his body was destroyed. All she was given at the county police station was his drivers license.

I was at a loss for words when she returned to our office after learning that. Dominic, Melonie and Wanda talked about how much Bea adored her son and always spoke highly about him. They can't believe what happened. And either can I-- and I never met the guy. I can't picture Bea being broken down by anything, but I am certain that this will break her.

So I came home early and really couldn't enjoy whatever dumb song was on the radio. The idea of enjoying something that has occurred because of someone's extreme misfortune deterred me from wanting to listen to anything. But I hit traffice on he 95 but eventually got home.

When I came home my mother informed me that they threw Margaret out. This time it was planned and peaceful. They told her to take her things, monitored her in her room while she gathered her stuff and escorted her to the door without a struggle. It occurred after my mother discovered she had a C-summons in her jacket pocket. She confronted Margaret with it and-- as usual, she gave the same disrespect. After callng them both stupid, my mother told him more of the things she had done while he was at work-- such as sneaking out the window at night to meet people, give my mother a hard time in coming home at a decent time, etc. So, from all of that, the decision was made to kick her ass out, and turn off her cellphone. So that is that. I felt bad about it last night, probably because I was thinking about Bea and her family's tragedy.

But what can you do? Margaret is eighteen, and probably needs phychiatric help.. but it's too late. She is more spoiled than anything. She caused her own problems and it's gonna really bite her in her stupid ass. When I was home, it was peaceful, and everyone was probably able to sleep at a normal time again.

In other news, the 600 dollar bill I received from my insurance company is a mistake-- thank god. I took care of renewing my insurance on Monday. And now I just gotta take care of stupid Hunter College's charges and my credit card bill. I also gotta call for an interview with Senior Care. I gotta practice things for that. Also I'm improving in my math class, I'm gonna practice some more this weekend. I'm also going out to a restaurant with Dom and Joey tonight. That should be interesting.. I hope. Anyway that's all my sleeze.

I'll list all the positive things that have gone on in my life first:

- Senior Care Amb. keeps calling me for interviews, so they're interested. Unfortunately my phone only notifies me of voicemails a few days after the point in which I receive it.

- Work at the moment is less stressful, I play around a lot more with my coworkers than I did a few months back, and I get to read more too.

- I don't know if this counts as good news, but I received a notice from CNR-- and they DIDN'T reject me. However, they deferred their final decision until they receive all my grades.

- A few weeks ago I welcomed a new cousin into the world (Alexa Marie). Her birth almost killed Christine. She was delivered through C- section and born 4lbs. Everyone that has seen her says she's a very pretty baby. Chrisine is doing good too. Her baby shower was on Saturday and she is looking pretty good considering what she's been through. They're both doing okay. Tommy is officially a daddy.


Now the bad stuff (yes it out numbers the good this week..)

1- Got a $670 bill in the mail from my insurance carrier telling me that they are not covering an office visit I went on.

2- Got an $80 from Hunter College over a damn application fee that I thought was irrelevent unless I signed up with their classes. But now I gotta pay it. Monday I'm going to appeal the $15 late fee.

3- My credit card bill is still ridiculous.. it feels as though every week something comes up to prevent me from paying it. It's very depressing.

4- I gotta get on CNR's ass about the online course I've taken over the summer. They don't seem to think I've taken General Psychology or Developmental Psychology, which I got an A and B in. I have to spell that stuff out to them.

5. I'm worried about my math class..
 
6. My mother threw away my health insurance renewal form and it's due in a week. I gotta deviate a plan to get my information to someone as soon as physically possible.


So If i can improve my grades, get rid of my bills and insurance stuff on time-- I'll be happy. But I'm doubting that will happen. I feel like I'm being fed on by vultures, except that it's my money that is getting fed upon. But I'm going to keep focused and pay one day at a time. And I'm going to get focused on getting employed during the weekend to help pay the bills.

50. Two favorite holidays are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day
49.  Love watching hockey games
48.  I have scoliosis
47.  I treat scoliosis by practicing yoga and pilates-- but not enough
46.  Believe in holistic therapy as a means to good health, but not to condemn a lot of uses of modern medicine
45. I suck at math
44. Can never concentrate on anything productive while at home
43. Eat the same sandwich everyday for lunch: turkey & pepper jack cheese with honey mustard on a roll
42. I keep out best interests for people that I deem as trustworthy friends more than they'll ever know
41. Went to an all girl's catholic high school... and sort of liked it when i look back on it..
40. kept my virginity until i was 20, to the same person i am with today =)
39. i believe that LGBT people should do the Right thing and not push for gay- marriage rights during the upcoming presidential election, and wait until a --good-- president gets elected and makes it in the white house.
38. I'm of Irish descent, with a sprinkle of Scottish in my ancestry. My mother's side also claims to have some Spanish blood in there too, which looks kind of evident.
39. Speaking of family, my irish- born maternal- grandmother is a naturalized citizen of the U.S. For a long time she was afraid of being found and deported. My grandfather made himself a legal citizen.
38. My full name Helen Marie Anne, is a conglomerate of a few people I'm named after. Helen-- grandmother, aunt; Marie-- version of Mary which is my mother's name; Anne-- after my grand-aunt
39. I used to hate my name, and envied all the Jennifer's, Jessica's, Nicole's out there.. but I grew like it more in time
38. Got drunk for the first time ever in a dorm suite downstairs from my room at Stony Brook with shots of Jack Daniels and Bacardi Superior
37. Left the country to visit Tuscany, Italy, Vatican City of Rome, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Sint Maarten and Ontario
36. I have an astigmatism in both eyes
35. Think that Mike Mussina of the NY Yankees is the most sexible celebrity
34. Have a macbook and LOVE IT
33. My aunt is a schizophrenic, and I was plagued with fear of getting it for most of my life. But I'm at the age of knowing that I won't get it so, that fear is gone.
32. Registered a Democrat, but hate both democratic and republican parties for being full of shit.
31. Passionate about learning about disease
30. I'm actually a good cook-- but I'll just leave that to my own opinion
29. Got one sister, five years younger: margaret
28. father is FDNY for 30+ years
27. I'm an internet article reading junkie
26. know that if i hit the lotto: that i would keep it a secret to everyone (including family), and anonymously give money to people that i knew deserved it
25. My metabolism is fast which is what keeps me slim
24. My highschool obsession was Nirvana
23. Had half naked calendar firemen, irish flag, and a majestic fairy poster hung up on my college dorm wall
22. Got a BS in Health from stony brook
21. Became a certified EMT
20. Born in NYC, raised in the Bronx, went to school in Westchester and Long Island
19. Discovered that road rage lessens on Interstate highways, in comparison to parkway highways
18. Battled the grossness of having Tonsil Liths for 3yrs. (until it got cured recently)
17. Enjoy taking off on planes at night, to feel the rush and look out the window upon the city lights at night
16. Have relatives living in: London, Dublin, Sacramento, San Antonio, Denver, Hick places in NC and Va., West Palm, NJ, and here in the Bronx, and some distant relatives in Australia
15. Got three cats currently in my life: Tulla (home with parents), and Mozart with Tiberius (with Sean in Rochester)
14. I enjoy doing artsy things every now and then: paintings, drawings, carvings, photography
13. Believes in lust at first sight
12. Ideal kind of cars are: one;s that work and that won't kill me
11. My house and the people in it are crazy
10. can wear any shoe ranging in size 5.5-7.5
09. I like being a person with modest tastes
08. icecream cake is my ideal bday cake
07. Even though I'm Irish-- I dislike getting drunk (without a cause) and can't handle the smell/taste of most liquers
06. Have a mini book collection of alternative and holistic forms of treating disease and health problems
05. Procrastination will be the end of me (especially as I write this)
04. Sean got me to like TV again after we first started hanging out
03. I'm addicted to Mexican food, and am developing one for Indian food as well
02. Raised catholic, but reject its traditions
01. All my friends on myspace and facebook are people who I actually know and are aquaintanced with. Few of them are actually my real friends.

So booked another flight for Thursday night to Rochester, for the wedding.

Sean mentioned tonight that Tiberius farts a lot.

I met up with Joey, Jeannette and Mike Frischetti for dinner at the Black Whale. Joey and Mike really hit it off. The next day I asked her if she was attracted to Mike, but she said no. But she said that he is very nice and funny. Jeannette thought so too.

Earlier that day Mike and I went to Yorktown Heights to go apple picking.

Today I went to my morning class, came home and ate, then went back out again to fill out an application to work as an EMT at senior care ambulance corps. It surprized me to see so many orthodox jewish people there. they were management though. Took their test, filled out the application to work per diem, and now I'll have to wait and see if my services can be useful to them.

My FAFSA has been processed today after submitting it online yesterday. Gonna call the Fin Aid offices at NYU and CNR to find out what more I can do to make sure I receive a package through them this week. I'm also gonna call CNR to see why they haven't cashed in my application fee check yet.

And in sad news: my cousin Christine is still in the hospital in pain (from the pregnancy). There is a hole in her umbilical cord and the pain has been constant. She's in Einstein at the moment, she might have to lose the baby or induce labor.

That is all for now.

I just received mail today with a letter stating that I passed the EMT certification exam and an attached card. I'm very happy about it but can almost barely believe it. I called the VAC a little while ago to schedule coming in tomorrow night to do dispatch. Maybe next week I'll start doing ambulance rotations.

This weekend Sean captured one of the many stray kittens in the yard behind me. He tricked and manhandled it in order to capture it. We took it back to my house in a kennel, fed it and cleaned it. On Sunday, Sean took him back up to Rochester and took him to the doctor yesterday. We also determined his sex to be male, then named him Tiberius on Monday. Yesterday he was taken with Mozart to the vet's office in Rochester for a check up. Tiberius basically has a clean bill of health, aside from having ear mites, ring worm in his belly and cat-lice in his fur. Sean got him medication, as well as Mozart medication (for Tape worm).

Tiberius is adjusting well to his new home and hangs out primarily in the bedroom. He likes to be under things, so he likes hanging around under Sean's bed with Mozart. The first few nights at the apartment, he stayed in the front closet with his kennel and litter. He also quickly learned to use the litter. Since Friday, his personality has greatly changed. He was fearful of us, and now he trusts and coexists with us and Mozart. Sean told me that he even behaved extremely well at the vet's office when he got his shots. Mo and Ty now play together.

In other news:
- I sent all applications/fees/transcripts/recc's to NYU and CNR. I'm now going to send them resumes and copies of my EMT Certification
- Uncle Bob had a stroke 3 weeks ago and is blind in his left eye.
- Christine (Tommy's wife) is in the hospital for abdominal pains.
- I'm going apple picking with Mike this weekend. Then going out with him, Dominic, Joey and Jeannette to the Black Whale for dinner. (I'm setting Dom and Joey up as well).